Your Taste Is All In Your Mouth, N!

N: Well, I can’t argue there. Few things in life are as satisfying as a good bacon cheeseburger. Where would I be without taste in my mouth?

Interviewer: N, It’s been said that you could offend just about anyone… is that true?

N: I’ll do my best…

Interviewer: I notice this morning that your hair is all spiky, and that you’ve got a cigarette hanging out of your mouth… are you going for the Sean Penn look?

N: Is it working?

Interviewer: No.

N: It was either this or the Napolean Dynamite look; but anytime I wear glasses I end up walking into walls and stuff. So you’re stuck with Sean N….. Get it? Sean N? Hahaha…

Interviewer: Ah yes. Very funny. (cough) Well today N, we’re talking about something that most Americans hold sacred; something very near and dear to them…. Their cars. Tell me your thoughts on cars.

N: Well, I’m glad you asked. Since I spend about three hours a day in traffic, I’ve developed a few opinions. Should I just jump right into it?

Interviewer: Oh please do.

N: We’ll start with Honda, since I own one. What the hell are they thinking? Have you seen the new Civics?

They look just like a Saturn. If I had wanted a Saturn, I would have bought a Saturn. And then there’s the Accord. Accords are like Star Trek Movies… every other one is good. Some body styles are eye catching, smooth and refined, while some of them look like they were the winner of a design contest in a third grade classroom.

Next, there’s Ford…. What the hell is it with these grilles? I look in the rear-view mirror and it looks like some giant Bic razor is headed straight at me. And what happens when the chrome wears off?

And for the record, I used to think that the Pontiac Aztek was the ugliest car ever designed. No, I haven’t ever ridden in one, or bothered to check out the interior, but it seriously looked like Pablo Picasso had gotten a hold of a perfectly good SUV and rearranged a few things. I thought it was smart for all of the other car companies to back away, leaving their goofy-looking inbred cousin standing alone in the “fugly” category. Then Subaru came out with the Tribeca, which not only gives the Aztek a run for its money, but the grille looks as if it’s sticking its tongue out at you.

Nice. From that point, everyone’s thrown their hat into the race for the “Strangest Looking Really Tall Station Wagon” award.

Interviewer: So you’ve managed to offend Honda, Ford, Pontiac and Subaru owners, as well as Star Trek fans… anyone else?

N: Of course. Volvo… Love the car, but since when do tail-lights have to be as tall as my fourth grade daughter? And Nissan? Not a big fan since their alliance with Renault in 1999. You can definitely tell that more than a few of their designers are French. And then how about the new Chevy trucks? Like a shoebox with slightly rounded corners. I wasn’t too impressed with the really boxy Ford designs, but then it goes to reason that if I find something completely tasteless as far as design goes, the entire industry is bound to embrace it.

And then there's the Chrysler 300... the car that tries to be the poor man's Bentley, while at the same time screaming "Pimpmobile!"

Does anyone remember the 6000 SUX from Robocop? That's what it reminds me of. And the window line is so high that you could literally drive around naked in that car and nobody would know. And then there's the Dodge Caliber. They're right, it's not cute. In fact, every time I see one, I'm reminded of a lobster tail.

Interviewer: What if the car was blue instead of red?

N: Then it would remind me of a blue lobster tail... what's your point?

Interviewer: Well then, that’s a pretty rounded…

N: And then hybrid cars…

I would probably be environmentally responsible and purchase one if I could find one under $20,000. So until the automakers drop some prices and make the hybrids affordable for the rank and file American that lives in a single income household, I’ll stick to my environmentally responsible little Civic that gets about 42mpg.

Interviewer: But it still emits greenhouse gases…

N: So do cows, but I don’t see anyone demanding that dairy farmers commit to a “carbon neutral” lifestyle, or building carbon credits into the purchase of cheese or milk…

Damn.

You know now that I’ve said that, someone will find a way to do it.

Interviewer: What, in your opinion, could help us lower our dependence on foreign oil, and help save the environment?

N: Dependence on foreign oil? Well, we could go electric, but the environmentalists would probably have a worse hemorrhage over the government building nuclear reactors than it does with oil refineries. I say we go with transporters. Just like in Star Trek.

Wait, does the scattering of one’s molecules between two transporter pads affect the ozone layer?

Interviewer: You’ve told us about the cars you don’t like, what about the cars you DO like, and why?

N: I don’t necessarily dislike the cars we talked about; just those particular things about them. The cars I do like… anything German or Swedish that has a turbo in it, and costs almost as much as my house.

Interviewer: ….?

N: Hey, you only asked what I liked, not what I could afford.

Interviewer: If you had one question for me, what would it be?

N: Does anyone name their kid “Elmer” anymore?